I see on my f-list that another round of discussion has opened in the ongoing debate of racism and privilege in fandom. I'm not commenting directly on anything said by anyone but seeing some of the same issues arise -- again -- prompts me to ramble about my thoughts and reactions.

To sum up my thoughts, despite considering myself a Liberal Person who falls on the Right Side of Issues I concluded that I still had some arrogance, some hypocrisy, and a pile of blindness to overcome as part of my path of becoming a Good Person. Non-white fans and their allies won't find this revolutionary or surprising. For me, it was both a disappointment and an epiphany.

I've always prized logic over emotion in making philosophical judgments. Arguments mired in anger or bitterness or rudeness inspired in me a defensive, dismissive reaction. People who wanted me to listen had to couch their arguments in acceptable manners.

To always be perfectly polite and reasonable when discussing emotional issues that a person has to deal with every single fucking day -- that's quite the burden to impose on someone else, no? To dismiss that somebody else might have a legitimate point because I don't like the tone or the manner in which it's expressed? That's some arrogance there.

I appreciate and admire the person who can "rise above" the emotions of the events and explain it in terms calm enough that I'll stick around long enough to absorb the explanation. I find that level of superhuman control to be admirable and it's something that I aspire to. It's not that I didn't think people had a right to be angry but rather that I didn't appreciate all of that anger in my face; it wasn't a, "winning strategy."

I never questioned whether *I* should rise above my own feelings of defensiveness when confronted with somebody else's reality. It wasn't *my* job to try to understand; it was somebody else's job to entice me to educate myself. If they couldn't maintain an emotionally neutral position why should I try to? What hypocrisy!

In the miscegenation round of this debate, I recognized my own thought processes in those people who I felt quite wrongly focused their energies on whether the original person complaining had gone about it in the right way or worried that she hadn't been conciliatory enough in her raising the issues.

I only recognized it because it struck me as so preposterous. Had the original poster not impressed me with her maturity, her reasoned and thoughtful response to a situation that provoked a strongly negative emotional reaction for me, had the issue not been to me so obviously offensive, had I not felt it hit me in the gut with how unbelievably Wrong it was... Well, I probably could have easily been sidetracked into just those sorts of distracting discussions rather than focusing on the core issue: the use of an ugly word born of violent racism of the American South in the 1950s/1960s being used as a fetish and, oh by the way, "expanding" the definition to include bestiality.

And it was there that I had my epiphany. I, too, had a role to play in overcoming perfectly natural but not necessarily helpful human reactions to stress. It isn't up to people of color (and their allies) to be the ONLY people in the discussion who are swallowing their emotions and reacting in only ways that are positive and "helpful" and superhuman.

I, as a white person who is interested in healing some of the hurt of racism and who wants people of all backgrounds and racial identities to feel welcome not only in fandom but also in the world, I have a similar responsibility to rise above my "natural response" when confronted with strong emotions. I will not automatically shut down, stop listening, or dismiss a person's viewpoint solely because of manner of expression. I will not (oh the irony!) allow my emotion to decide because somebody else expresses her honest emotional response.

Perhaps the strong emotional reaction to an issue that I don't get on a gut level says more about a lack in my perception than it does about somebody else being a whiny victim who is out to ruin the fun for everyone else? (Yes, I'm overstating that last bit but that is the impression I get of people's opinions when I read their comments.) I've tried to be aware of when I'm feeling defensive. I try to determine why I feel that way, take a closer look at the substance of what someone says, and truly listen to the content rather than allowing myself to be distracted by its method of delivery.

I've found this extends into beyond fandom into real life. Race has finally reared its head in public in the Democratic nomination race here in the U.S. I find myself thinking more carefully on issues I would previously have blown off. I don't claim that I always Get It at the gut level but I do find that I don't automatically stop listening because someone's too emotional on a subject about which I am dispassionate. It has been eye-opening to say the least.

~~**~~

This isn't a new conclusion for me. I've debated with myself for months on making this post.

Why? Well, lots of reasons.

• I am profoundly uncomfortable declaring my beliefs. I believe in acting on them. I have no respect for those natter on endlessly about What is Right and what everyone else should do. I'm of the Be The Change You Wish to See school.


• I tend to be fairly private. I'm not perfect and I spend a lot of private energy ferreting out parts of myself that fail to live up to my ideal and working on them. I had an epiphany that I hadn't been living up to my ideal of having an open mind. I'm not proud of that.


• This isn't An Answer that will increase understanding between parties. It isn't a great leap forward for fandom at large. It's a mea culpa and I fail to see how that helps or contributes to the discussion.


• I'm not a big name whose words inspire and I was not an active participant in the public discussions. I don't already have a role in the larger scene; I feel as if I'm interjecting myself.


• This is all still new to me; I process change slowly. LJ is very much a Now medium. It isn't well suited to my need to ruminate, to turn the possibilities over in my head. My ideas are not fully formed and are subject to change. Because I do not yet know all the ramifications of my realization, I'm not certain what the point is to writing it here. I don't know what the goal is. I'm rambling rather than making a point.


• I do not label myself when discussing matters of principle. My focus isn't who I am but what is right and what is wrong. What's Right doesn't change depending on my race but I've come to understand that who I am is inextricably bound to my perceptions and responses.

Anyhow, I've been ruminating on this for a while and undoubtedly will for a long time to come. As this newest renewal of the race debate progresses, I expect to be challenged to keep an open mind and I want to have this to remind me of my thoughts and how I hope to develop as a human being.