Posted by Ask a Manager
https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/coworker-got-a-bigger-raise-because-he-has-a-family-i-said-something-i-regret-and-more.html
https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31437
It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. I said something awful at work
I said something at work that I regret. I feel like I have the worst case of foot-in-mouth syndrome.
I live in the Salt Lake City area. Last weekend, I was planning on participating in the No Kings protest, but I had to go support a close friend for a personal emergency they were going through. I then heard about the shooting and spent the day checking in on friends who had went (who were safe).
Everyone was talking about it when I came back to work today, and we were all sharing our collective shock, fear, sadness, etc. I shared the mixed feelings that I had upon learning about it, and a coworker asked me to elaborate.
I said something like: “I kinda feel like I missed a chance to be a part of history, y’know? This’ll be like the Kent State protest back in the day, and everyone in school talks about it in history class. Maybe I could’ve had a chance to help stop the shooter, too. Now I’ve got nothing important to tell my future grandkids. Like, oh, Grandpa could’ve been in this important thing you’re writing your book report on, but I just had to have a boring day!”
It kinda got weird and quiet after that, with one coworker changing the subject.
A coworker who I had a great relationship with before this got really steely in particular, and he sent me this Teams message: “If I were you, I would think twice before I speak in the future. Afa Ah Loo’s future grandkids will only see him in history books and through his previous work online.”
I just hid in my cubicle the rest of the day. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt so full of shame. I’ve typed, backspaced, and re-typed apologies that never seem quite right enough. I’ve gotten along so well with my coworkers before this, but I felt too casual and opened my big mouth. What do I even say?
Do you know why you said it? I think figuring that out is the first step. To an observer, it sounds like you were centering yourself in a tragic event that had nothing to do with you, at the expense of thinking about the people who are deeply and horribly affected. So for example, were you prioritizing trying to be part of the conversation over everything else (and if so, can you figure out why)? Did it really reflect how you felt — did you honestly regret that you weren’t there more than that it happened at all? Were you just talking idly without thinking about what you were saying? Whatever it was, I’d then think about whether that’s something that’s happened before, and reflect on why, and whether there’s something there you could work on changing. For example, if you realize that you struggle when you don’t feel part of the rest of the group and that has led to other awkward remarks, you could work on getting more comfortable hanging back and asking about others or expressing empathy. Or if you actually did mean what you said in the moment when you said it, that’s a sign to work on developing empathy.
I think it would also help to acknowledge and apologize for the remark. We’ve all said things and later thought, “Why on earth did that come out of my mouth?” and it’s likely to help if you proactively say, “What I said yesterday was horrible. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was incredibly insensitive to the victim and his family, and I’m so sorry I centered myself in someone else’s tragedy.”
2. Male coworker got a bigger raise “because he has a family”
I am a single woman in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I have a coworker in another region, a much less expensive one, who is married with a child. We have the same title.
We both just got raises. Our vice president told me, pretty angrily, that my coworker’s raise was twice mine, and our CEO’s reasoning was, “Because he has a family.”
Is this remotely legal? I’m disgusted and discouraged.
No federal law prohibits discriminating on the basis of family status (although some state laws do), but federal law does prohibit paying men and women differently for the same work. The law makes exceptions if the employer can prove the pay differences are due to seniority or a merit system — but “he has a family and she doesn’t” wouldn’t be covered. It also doesn’t matter if they didn’t intend it to be gender discrimination; if the differences aren’t due to seniority or a merit system, it’s illegal.
Here’s some info on what you can do.
3. I need my employee to stop offering the wrong choices to clients
I have an employee in a customer service role in a healthcare clinic and I want him to stop talking about four words earlier. He is constantly giving patients choices that I don’t necessarily want to suggest. I’m not saying that they don’t have this choice or that choice, but that from a business perspective, I’d rather not make it quite so easy. That sounds terrible, I know, but some examples:
– “Would you like to reschedule that appointment or should I just cancel it?” versus “I understand that time no longer works for you. What would work better?”
– “Unfortunately, we’re not in network with your insurance, so I can give you our self-pay rates or if you want to call around and see where might take your insurance, I understand” versus “Unfortunately, we’re not contracted with your insurance, but we have very reasonable self-pay rates. I’d be happy to review those with you.”
– “For payment, you can put your credit card on file for automatic billing, or if you’d prefer, you can pay at each visit” versus “We have an automatic billing option to simplify your care; by saving your credit card on file, you won’t have to worry about dealing with payment each time you come in. How does that sound?”
You’ll notice that the wording isn’t forcing anyone to say “yes” to anything. It’s giving our business more control over the schedule, the patient volume, the operational flow, etc., but it’s not taking control away from the patient.
We have scripts, we have practiced, we have discussed the “why.” He’s always on board … he just can’t do it. He says that it’s a combination of being uncomfortable with it and habit. I told him to just be uncomfortable; it goes away pretty quickly. A mentor once told me “say it, do it, think it, feel it.” He said that things might be uncomfortable at first, the words might feel funny in your mouth and take practice, but the more you say it, the easier it will be to do, and the easier it becomes to do, the easier it is to change our mindset.
How can I help him stop talking a few words earlier to use our scripts so that these words become his default?
I’d think more practice is your best bet if it’s ever going to happen. Have him role-play with you and others, practicing the language you want him to use, until he gets more comfortable with it. And if you have someone in a similar role who’s good at this, pair them up and have that person practice with him; they might be able to explain it in a way that will click with him more than it has so far.
But if that doesn’t work, at some point you’ll have to decide if this is a big enough deal that it goes to his core suitability for the job. If it is, let him know that too so that he’s clear on the stakes.
4. Are our hiring practices as bad as I think?
I am a manager at a large private employer. I find some of our hiring practices strange. I am curious to hear from you whether this actually is strange and worth pushing back on, or whether I need to adjust my expectations.
First, when posting open positions, they do not post the actual salary ranges they have in mind. They post the salary “grade,” which are such broad ranges that they are completely meaningless (example: $80k-$160k). However, they always have a real salary range in mind that they keep secret throughout the process, and it’s often on the extreme low end of the grade (example: job posted with aforementioned salary grade, but hiring range is actually $80k-$85k). They hire in states where posting an honest salary range is required, and, in my opinion, it is borderline whether they are breaking these laws. I think this practice is disadvantageous to both candidates and hiring managers. I feel we lose good candidates who are unhappy with the lack of pay transparency and therefore don’t even apply, or who apply but withdraw as they were expecting pay at the higher end of the grade.
Second, they ask candidates to state their salary expectations up-front. It is a required numeric entry field in the application; you cannot decline to answer, at least without declining to apply, nor can you be strategic about how you respond. From what I’ve seen, they hold you to it when it comes to salary negotiations and are not swayed by candidates saying they have learned more about the position that changes their salary requirement. I’ve also seen people rejected because their salary expectation was “too high” and there was “no way they would be satisfied with the real range.” Both of these approaches feel like they are asking for candidates to guess the “real” salary range and then penalizing them for guessing it wrong.
This employer has faced strong competition for good talent in the last several years and has been trying many strategies to attract and retain talent. It baffles me why they haven’t changed these two things. I am interested in pushing for full pay transparency in the posting and not asking for salary expectations at all, but I want to make sure I’m not out of line.
You are not out of line. These are both terrible practices, for exactly the reasons you say: you’ll lose good candidates, waste your hiring managers’ time, and piss people off. Go forth and advocate for change.
5. Is it weird to list a reference who works at the company I’m applying to?
Recently, I came across a job posting in an organization I’ve kept tabs on for a while, hoping they would post the exact type of position I found. It aligns strongly with my interests and training. Also, one of my grad school classmates works for them, in a similar-level position that would collaborate regularly with the open one.
I work in a highly collaborative creative field, and grad-level training is based strongly in practical experience, so I’ve worked with this former classmate numerous times in situations nearly identical to our professional practices.
The former classmate has offered to be a reference for me when I apply to this role. Due to the practical nature of our training, I know they would be able to speak to my conduct as a professional collaborator as well as my character, so I would love to accept their offer. Would it be weird to list a reference who already works in the intended organization? Or should I count on the hiring manager to make the connection between our “education” resume listings, and have them serve as more of an informal, less-guaranteed reference?
It’s not weird to list a current employee as a reference at all. In fact, to the contrary, that has the potential to be a very strong reference to use because (a) they know her and hopefully trust her judgment and (b) they’ll figure she’s more likely to be candid with them than a stranger would be. As long as she’ll speak well of your work, she’d be a great reference to use.
The post coworker got a bigger raise “because he has a family,” I said something I regret, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/coworker-got-a-bigger-raise-because-he-has-a-family-i-said-something-i-regret-and-more.html
https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31437
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amused
