27 May 2010 @ 05:23 pm
Random Updates  
1. Iconfest has ended. Final tally was more than 1,000 icons made in two weeks! Here's the Master Post in case you're interested in looking through the final results. All of the icons have been sorted by maker's name. I managed to contribute 36 icons. I'd hoped for more but I think that's a respectable number.

2. True Blood Season 2 has landed in my hands finally. I'm completely unspoiled so keep that in mind when commenting here, please. :) I'm looking forward to some escapism. Which brings me to...

3. Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts for me. Yesterday marked one year since the movers arrived to finish moving the ex- out to his new life with the younger, taller, prettier, thinner other woman. After our 15 years together. I cannot put into words how much pain I've had over a very long year of dismal firsts.

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY I have completed a series of first birthdays, first Thanksgivings, first relationship-milestones, first time I wanted to share something big, first time dealing with wasps or plumbers or bad news without him. The first time I wanted to share something awesome with him only to realize he wasn't there anymore. I'm sure there are still firsts ahead of me but they'll be more random now. I still have cards I'd bought for him ahead of time. I have no idea what to do with them -- or the gifts -- but at least the occasions I bought them for have passed.

It's hard to learn a new way of being. He and I were together since I was in my early 20s. It took me EIGHT MONTHS before I realized that I was single. That if I wanted to date someone, it was okay because I was single. That I could do whatever the hell I wanted because nobody at home cared. I didn't grok that I was single; I was thinking like there was still somebody in my life. It has been a year of going to bed alone and waking up alone. A year of sleeping too little and then too much.

I was a broke archaeologist and he was working in a slumping industry when we first got together. I can barely remember how we made it on my salary at the museum while he was starting his business but it involved having one car, never eating out, and finding fun at home. His business meant being out until late hours; his business partner camped on our sofa for long periods of time. He traveled a lot. There was always a string of events that kept him flying around the country. We invested in good luggage.

We had so many good memories together, often growing out of dire circumstances. We paid off my staggering college debts. We survived his bankruptcy. He took amazing care of me during the long recovery after they wired my foot back together. We took in my high-school freshman brother after he was attacked and beaten. We took him in again after he was laid off and lost everything in his divorce. We got two rescue dogs after my dog, the one I'd gotten on my 20th birthday and who literally meant the world to me, succumbed to bone cancer. We helped his mother after her life partner died in a freak jet ski accident. We watched his nephews grow up and get ready to go to college.

Over the years, we took memorable trips together. We skied in New Mexico and Colorado. (Well, he skied. I fell.) We both loved Santa Fe. We took the dogs to the family ski cabin, where I fretted about bears eating the dogs. We spent a week touring SW Alaska, riding horses, driving out the Kenai Peninsula to a rain forest. We went to my favorite city, Vancouver, many times and we went to his favorite, Victoria, many times. Seattle, California, central Texas with his grandmother, New York.

And Chicago. Chicago is bittersweet for me. It was a trip to celebrate my birthday. I was 15 the last time I had a birthday celebration. It was the first time ever that we did something amazing and decadent and romantic just to celebrate me and things I love. He moved out 5 months later.

That was such a shit year for me that the breakup was only one float in a parade of unhappiness. I'd canceled a long-planned vacation trip to help his dying stepmother in the hospital & hospice, staying overnight sometimes to allow his father to go home and sleep. I attended her funeral, the funeral home, the graveside, the Mass said in her honor. The ex- moved out after I listened to him whistle happy ditties while he packed his belongings each morning for several weeks, breaking my heart anew each day before I left for work. I was laid off. My aunt died.

I have an amazing network of friends and family. My mother, my brother, my best friend, my friends...all have been saving graces in the year from hell. Amy came over and helped me re-paint the house, lay new flooring, and just generally be a shoulder to cry on. To ask me how I'm doing; no, how I'm REALLY doing. We watched all 7 seasons of Buffy together.

My brother is a quiet presence, ready to lend support when I need it. And to be the tall guy who can reach things. :) My mother communicates regularly to make certain, I'm sure, that I haven't accidentally consumed fish/shellfish products or stuck a fork in an outlet or something less accidental. I would tell her she's worrying over nothing but telling a mother not to worry is blowing against the wind.

So, anyway, back to my point. Yesterday was this anniversary for me. I'd looked forward to it for months. Weeks. Days. Hours, even. I wondered many times how I would manage to reach it. And...well, I didn't realize that the day had happened until today. I was so busy talking to new friends, making last-minute icons for Iconfest, feeling guilty that I'm behind in organizing [livejournal.com profile] sg1_lims, and generally having a good time that I didn't even realize it had happened.

So, thank you to my friends in my analog life and to my squee buddies in my digital life who have helped me survive with hope for the future and a lot of laughter in the present. Yesterday could have been weepy and maudlin and full of woe is me but it wasn't. ♥
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[identity profile] hils.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 10:32 pm (UTC)
*hugs tight*
Mish: Teal'c / Cam -- Hug[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 10:40 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* Thanks, hun. You know that you are a HUGE part of why yesterday was a good one, yes?
(no subject) - [identity profile] hils.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 10:41 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:00 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] hils.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:02 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 03:44 am (UTC)
Paian[personal profile] paian on May 27th, 2010 10:35 pm (UTC)
::hugs you and hugs you::
Mish: Team -- Family AT CJ & MS[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 10:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :) A lot of that misery up there is an expression of this year of pain but it's also an epitaph for it. I hadn't realized it but I've finally turned a corner on the sorrow and grief. I should have been a basket case yesterday. I'm really quite pleased that I wasn't. That I had better things to do, you know?
[identity profile] rocketchick.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 10:40 pm (UTC)
You go with your continually-awesome self. Here's to many good firsts yet to come!
Mish: Janet -- Is Love[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 10:55 pm (UTC)
Aww, thank you! I'm still really bummed that I couldn't swing going to Vancouver with you. That's something I periodically regret.
[identity profile] txduck.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 10:58 pm (UTC)
*Hugs*
Mish: Teal'c / Cam -- Hug[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:02 pm (UTC)
*hugs back*
[identity profile] casett.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:20 pm (UTC)
Super hugs a mundo!

We are always stronger than we recognize but I recognize and applaud your strength. Change is difficult but not necessarily bad.
Mish: Team -- Family AT CJ & MS[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:42 pm (UTC)
*hugs tightly*

We ARE stronger than we know. Events such as these let force us get to know ourselves better. I'd have preferred a little less self-knowledge TBH but since I didn't have a choice, it's good to know that I can live on my own and still be a happy person.
[identity profile] wickedvengeance.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:29 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear about all this. But it seems that things will be looking up from here on out. You got through that year and most of your first. I wish I could say that I truly understand what it is that you've been going through, but I have not had these life experiences that you have. All I can do is wish you the best in the future and offer to be someone you can turn to when you need to talk.

*BIG HUG!*
Mish: Team -- Family AT CJ & MS[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:44 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you can't say that and I hope you never experience it because honestly? It sucks. I know now that it's survivable but it's no less sucky. :) Thank you for the offer; it's very much appreciated.

*BIG BIG HUG*
(no subject) - [identity profile] wickedvengeance.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:59 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:19 am (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] wickedvengeance.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:29 am (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:52 am (UTC)
immlass[personal profile] immlass on May 27th, 2010 11:43 pm (UTC)
When are you coming to Austin? It's been too long since we've seen you.
Mish[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:49 pm (UTC)
It's sadly funny that we saw each other more when you lived a plane-ride away, isn't it? Wish I could say that I have plans to visit but I haven't made any. I have Dog Issues these days which means he'd have to travel with me.
(no subject) - [personal profile] immlass on May 27th, 2010 11:52 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:21 am (UTC)
[identity profile] mcroft.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:45 pm (UTC)
so, now are you ready to come visit Austin? We'd like to see you sometime...
Mish[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 27th, 2010 11:59 pm (UTC)
Ready? Yes. Able? Not so much. The only person who could caretake Brinkley while I was gone would be Joe and obviously that is not going to happen. I could board him with the vet but there's money for that (and omg, why do I have the most expensive vets in the city?) and the inevitable months of problem behavior that would lead to.

And yet, I'm thinking that coming up for a weekend could be a very cool thing and screw the annoyance of having an antisocial dog along. Is there a time that would be good to see you and [livejournal.com profile] immlass?
colls: SW Yoda[personal profile] colls on May 27th, 2010 11:56 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
I had no idea - but I'm glad that you're so made of awesome. I'm glad yesterday slipped your mind and that you're settling into your new life - despite everything life has thrown at you lately.
Mish: Misc -- Coffee! Sleep When Dead![identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:13 am (UTC)
I don't like to talk about How My Life Is Falling Apart This Week. Had yesterday been the Mope-fest I feared, I wouldn't have posted this. I tend to think of this as a sign that I've done a lot of healing and started moving on. I don't think that my subconscious was as disengaged as I was because this week is the first where I've slept normally and even overslept one morning. These are all Good Things.

*hugs back*
[identity profile] avidrosette.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:09 am (UTC)
{{{{{Big hugs to you, honey}}}}}
Mish: Teal'c / Cam -- Hug[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:15 am (UTC)
Thank you!!! I haven't been able to bring myself to throw away my empty box of Frango mints. :) I keep it as a reminder.


*HUGE HUGE HUGE hugs*
[identity profile] majorsamfan.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:22 am (UTC)
ZOMGosh! Congrats on surviving the year from Hades, you amazing wonderful you!
Mish: Teryl & Amanda -- Janet/Sam[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:47 am (UTC)
Thank you! It stinks that I missed attending the con and seeing so many amazing people just before everything went south. That which does not kill us makes us stronger, yes?
[identity profile] selmak.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:26 am (UTC)
(( HUGSSSSS!!!!)
Mish: Teal'c / Cam -- Hug[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:47 am (UTC)
*HUGS YOU BACK*
[identity profile] ml-spikie.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:41 am (UTC)
Aw, *hugs tight* Yay for you that you have made it.
Mish: Teryl & Amanda -- Lipstick[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 12:50 am (UTC)
Thank you! I know myself better; I have strength I was unaware of. That said, i'd prefer to have the potential rather than the fact. ;-) *HUGS*
superbadgirl: bobby sam hug[personal profile] superbadgirl on May 28th, 2010 01:31 am (UTC)
(((hugs))) and here's to never really commemorating those kinds of anniversaries!
Mish: Sam/Thor -- *hugs*[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 03:53 am (UTC)
Amen to that! *hugs*
[identity profile] drelmo.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 02:25 am (UTC)
Good for you.

You realize, of course, that this has been a year of mourning that you are entitled to have taken at your own pace.
Mish[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 03:57 am (UTC)
I do. I get impatient with it because I want it to be over already but I know it can't be hurried. It's obviously still ongoing but it isn't *the* defining character of me any longer and I'm immensely grateful for that.
ext_18980: comics bat and nightwing[identity profile] slavelabour.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 02:43 am (UTC)
Aw hon, you and I should get together and go bowling or have coffee and commiserate about life experiences! :) I'm glad the milestone didn't leave a mark on you. If love and support of good friends could be bottled I'm pretty sure it would be marketed as emotional Teflon. {hugs}
Mish[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 03:59 am (UTC)
Bowling! I haven't bowled for real since I was a college freshman and we went midnight bowling. I bowl a mean game on Wii but it's so much easier when I'm not holding a heavy ball. I wonder if I could bowl anything but gutter balls in real life?

I am ALWAYS up for coffee. I drink way too much of it. :)

*hugs*
[identity profile] janiekins.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 02:54 am (UTC)
{{ hugs tightly and "cyberally" }}
Mish[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 04:01 am (UTC)
Thank you, hun. I miss getting to see y'all every year. :( This too shall pass and I want you to know that I'm growing my big hair out again so that I may resume taunting the losers behind me with glimpses around my big head. *HUGS*
(no subject) - [identity profile] janiekins.livejournal.com on May 31st, 2010 05:10 am (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 31st, 2010 03:58 pm (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] janiekins.livejournal.com on June 2nd, 2010 03:48 am (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on June 2nd, 2010 03:53 am (UTC)
[identity profile] hwrnmnbsol.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 03:34 am (UTC)
Good job getting to here with your sanity intact. I am glad.
Mish[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 04:13 am (UTC)
Thank you. Can't judge my sanity but I'll lay claim to older and wiser.
[identity profile] jehnt.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 08:01 am (UTC)
Aww. *hugs* This post makes me both sad and happy. I just had a similar thing - just a few days ago was the day when I've been apart from my ex longer than we were together. I'm glad it's passed because on the one hand I feel more over him than before, but on the other hand I miss him a lot sometimes still. I am so glad that you can look back on the good times and be happy that you had them and look at the bad times and be happy that you're through them and moving on to better things. That's a hard place to get to but it's an important one. You've made it this far - you're going to fully recover from this and continue to have an amazing life. ♥
Mish: Dean -- Hiking[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 07:14 pm (UTC)
It wasn't meant to make you sad. Congrats on passing your own milestone. It's amazing what a sense of relief it is to get past it, isn't it? It's bittersweet to be sure but every step on the path is one closer to the good things the future holds, you know?
(no subject) - [identity profile] jehnt.livejournal.com on May 29th, 2010 02:08 am (UTC) Expand
(no subject) - [identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 29th, 2010 05:14 pm (UTC)
[identity profile] paddies.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 09:17 am (UTC)
*sends much, much, much, much love*

Mish: B/J -- Hugs[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 07:15 pm (UTC)
GIO!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sends back much, much, much, much love*

[identity profile] shadownyc.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 11:44 am (UTC)
It sounds like you're truly ready to move forward and I admire you for that.
*Big Hugs*
Mish: B/J -- Hugs[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 07:18 pm (UTC)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!! I hope that this is a year of joy and health and happiness for you and your family.

Thank you for the thoughtful words. It's been long and tough, no lie, but it's tempered me and shown me I'm made of sterner stuff than I'd thought. *HUGS*
(no subject) - [identity profile] shadownyc.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 09:02 pm (UTC)
[identity profile] anastdean.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 01:08 pm (UTC)
Heey sweetie, sorry I missed out on yesterday for you, it's been a busy week for me, but I still love you.
Hugs your way:)
Mish: D/C -- I Did It All For You[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 07:19 pm (UTC)
I suspect you were in bed when I posted so there was no "missing" to it. :) Thank you for the kind thoughts. I love you, too. *HUGS*
[identity profile] greeneyes-rpi.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 02:44 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you are definitely on your way back to where you want to be. It's good to see, even from afar. *hug*
Mish[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 07:20 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I can honestly say that there was one year of my life that didn't speed by as they had taken to doing lately. :)
[identity profile] mesmerising.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 03:04 pm (UTC)
I know we haven't known each other for very long, and I must admit I feel a bit awkward commenting here because I'm not sure whether I have the right (I know, I'm probably just being uber paranoid about possibly non-existent social conventions and such), but I want to let you know that your post really touched me. I feel as if I've gone from barely knowing you (apart from the fact that you're part of the friendly genius behind [livejournal.com profile] sg1_lims) to seeing a very intimate part of yourself that you rarely disclose. And it's obvious to me that you're such a strong, beautiful person, and I'm both mourning for your loss and celebrating your road to healing.

So I guess, thank you for sharing (even though you might've forgotten a random like me was on your flist XD), and know that I'm sending awesome encouraging and supportive vibes to you (though a lot of that might be lost through the unreliable online transmission...X__x). ♥
Mish[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 07:39 pm (UTC)
You're not intruding at all. I blush a little about the whole friendly lims genius thing. *hugs you*

I *never* disclose this kind of information, even to reasonably close, personal friends. I didn't forget you were here; it was a conscious decision I made. I've learned a lot about who I am and what *I* want. We're made of sterner stuff than we think and I hope that gets through to each person who reads it.

Thank you for the thoughts and good wishes. I really do appreciate them. More than you know. *HUGS*
[identity profile] princessofg.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 04:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the post. Here's to better days ahead.

Your strength is an inspiration.
Mish: Teal'c -- Work of Art & Hugging[identity profile] hsapiens.livejournal.com on May 28th, 2010 07:40 pm (UTC)
Absolutely! To better days and even better memories! *loves you*